Friday, 6 July 2007

Kryptonite throws teddy right out of the pram.

Amusing desparation from Kryptonite regarding this Youtube video

It would appear that because the OLD Kryptonite FAGhettaboudit chain I was given, didn't have precisely the same amount of sides as the NEW FAGhettaboudit chain, the entire video is fake. Well I have news for Kryptonite, your new chain is even more lame than the old one, yes, you should have kept quiet, now I'll have to get a NEW FAGhettaboudit chain and destroy it in less time. Maybe I'll do a New York D lock just for the heck of it.

Also amusing are the Kryptonite henchmen trawling forums with the sole aim to drown anyone daring to suggest that their products aren't actually made from Kryptonite, in bullshit. The persistent tirade of accusations and snyde comments do little to mask the reality that their security products do not stand up to use in good old England. Maybe they do well in I Love Lucy USA but we have PROPER thieves over here, not dipstick mouthbreathers who use saws, hammers and clubs crafted from buffalo bone.

If course, Kryptonite are not total strangers to adverse publicity, they were only 4 years late in addressing the round key farce (Oxford shown in video, Kryptonite fessed up anyway) so no wonder they seek to crush anyone who may threaten to expose their lame chains and dodgy D locks for what they are.

Also unsurprising is their almost religious devotion to Cycling Plus's test criteria, check this out.

It took them 8 minutes to cut both sides of a Kryptonite chain that isn't worthy to secure my bathplug, I broke exactly the same chain today, twice, in under 30 seconds a piece and using a non powered tool that fits in a small rucksack, I also broke an Oxford Monster, an Abus something or other, a PJB Titan, a Squire MC4, an Abus City Black chain and whatever else I had lying around, all in well under 40 seconds using the previously mentioned tool.

This brings me nicely to the subject of Sold Secure. Now ALL of the chains in the first Youtube clip were either Sold Secure GOLD or Thatcham Cat 3, Sold Secure GOLD is supposed to be 5 minute attack tested, as you can see, we managed to break them in ever so slightly less than 5 minutes, now THAT has to make you wonder what the hell is going on. If a porky office worker can break them in under a minute, then a pumped on adrenaline yoof in a hoodie will probably do it even quicker, the question still remains, why can Sold Secure and Thatcham not replicate it? Could it be because a replication would result in most of their approved list being scrapped along with repeat fees for subsequent years of testing? No, it couldn't possibly be anything like that.


Ade said...

Hello Captain Cropper.

Just wondered if the new Kryptonite Fahgettaboudit Mini U-Lock is any good?

I just bought one for my mountainbike and after seeing you destroy all chains apart from the Almax I wondered if this is as easy to break.

Also do any other chains or locks survive as well as the Almax?

Captain Cropper said...

Ade, follow the advice on the Kryptonite web page regarding minimising the space in the D of the D lock and you'll probably be fine. If you can fit a softball in there, there's too much space. We are currently attacking the lock mechanism in tests, so if anything comes up to suggest that it can be drilled, I'll put something up.

There are a couple of chains that do as well as the Almax, The PJB 16mm stuff is ok, as id the (VERY) heavy English Chain 16mm but only if they have Squire or CISA padlocks. They have a tendency to cut costs with the padlocks whereas Almax only use tip top padlocks that have a proven track record.

An exception to the 16mm rule is the truly dire Oxford Nemesis, the only 16mm chain in the world where the case hardening varied from link to link. Classic case of cheap crap made in China and treated to Chinese standards. Avoid.